


Throw Your Heart to Me

by softevilde



Series: Figure from My Past [1]
Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Fluff, M/M, also this is set almost directly after the ending of s3, i guess, so isak/julian is only in the past
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-20
Updated: 2017-01-20
Packaged: 2018-09-17 13:52:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9327686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softevilde/pseuds/softevilde
Summary: "“He’s no one”, Isak said, trying to play it off as something unimportant, but obviously Even saw right through him. However, Even didn’t press the issue and Isak knew he could get away with it, because the last thing Even wanted was to make Isak feel uncomfortable and Isak knew it. On one hand, Isak just wanted to drop the subject and go back to the safety of their bubble where no one else existed, but on the other hand, he knew people in serious relationship discussed these kinds of things. He knew miscommunication was one of the worst thing you could do to your relationship and he even had experience of it with Even. He didn’t want to repeat his mistakes. Not again."Or the one where a figure from Isak's past makes an appearance and Isak discusses it with Even





	

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, hey, hello!
> 
> So this is the first fanfic I've ever written (I'm a filthy liar, but I do not want to talk about the one I wrote at 13) and English isn't my first language so I'm terribly sorry if this totally sucks, which it probably does. Besides, I had no one else to proofread this, it's almost 1am and I am dead tired so this is probably full of mistakes. I wasn't even gonna post this anywhere but it's Jemmi's birthday and I decided that I should try to balance the Taylor Swift references with something nicer. So, happy birthday Jemmi! I hope this makes you feel like 22.
> 
> The title is from Eyes Shut by Years & Years (Truth to be told, I was gonna steer away from the cliché of naming your fic after some song lyrics, but I am uncreative and Jemmi has a massive love for Years & Years so here I am.)

**FREDAG 20:01**

Isak had purposely been avoiding him the whole night. The second he had caught a glimpse of the other boy across the room, Isak had made it his mission to stay as far away from the boy as possible. It wasn't as if he was still hung up on the person he had a thing with a year ago. Truth to be told, Isak never liked him that much anyways. It was mostly just the fact that he had been the first boy to show any romantic interest in Isak and that had been exciting. No, Isak had many reasons to avoid the boy on the other side of the room, but having feelings for him wasn't one of them. Isak felt guilty about the way he ended things, first of all. Second of all, he hadn't even told his current boyfriend about the boy that was his almost-ex-boyfriend, and Isak was sure, if he was to talk to the boy, their history would be clear to anyone watching. Third of all, Isak was quite sure the said someone had still feelings for him, which could lead to an awkward situation. Despite telling his boyfriend otherwise less than an hour ago, there still were some things that Isak found awkward and embarrassing. Most of them had to do with his past and he was sure he would have to talk about them with his boyfriend at some point, but he didn't want it to be this night. Even had had a rough week and deserved some time off so Isak didn’t want to throw his own problems at him. Isak knew deep in his brain that Even wouldn’t mind and would actually be happy to listen, that’s how wonderful of a person he was. However, Isak wanted to postpone the inevitable and tried to make excuses for himself. Isak didn’t want to have the conversation with Even. Period. Unfortunately, the universe clearly had other plans, since Isak had spotted his past approaching him and he had no way to run and no place to hide. Isak was trapped between the Christmas tree and the wall and he had no option but to accept his faith as Julian walked up to him.

"Hey. Thanks for the last time", were the words Julian decided to open the conversation with. Isak was already ready to disappear to thin air. He didn’t want to remember the last time they had met and had a conversation, and he especially didn’t want Julian to thank him for the awful way Isak had treated the other boy.

Then Julian continued: "The neon party was sick."

Isak blinked a few times and shook his head a little bit in confusion. He tried to rack his brain for a memory of Julian at any of the earlier Kosegruppa meetings, but couldn’t come up with even one. Had he honestly been so enchanted with Even that he hadn’t noticed Julian? Isak thought he would notice Julian anywhere. After what happened during the first year of high school, Julian seemed to be everywhere to remind Isak of his mistakes. Thinking of it now, Isak hadn’t seen Julian in months. He took a deep breath collecting himself and let his eyes set right into Julian’s. Julian let out a small laugh full of self-pity which made Isak’s chest tighten. He felt like he was drowning and couldn’t move a muscle. Every bit of confidence he had gathered broke into pieces when he looked into eyes of someone who he knew he had hurt. Someone innocent who didn’t deserve to be brokenhearted because of Isak’s own problems regarding to his sexuality. He couldn’t look at Julian anymore so he got fixated on his own shoes.

“I know you didn’t pay any attention to me. Your new boyfriend is handsome, isn’t he?” Julian said softly. He didn’t sound angry or bitter, which would have been easier to take for Isak. Isak couldn’t handle seeing Julian just plain sad. Isak deserved to be yelled at. Why couldn’t Julian just hate him for what he did? How was Isak supposed to answer to that genuine question? He honestly had no idea. How, after everything Julian went through for Isak, could Isak ever explain the situation? How, less than a year after Isak had rejected Julian, he was out and happier than ever with a new gorgeous boyfriend? So, in the end Isak settled on the one word he knew was accurate.

“Sorry.”

Julian’s lips turned up a little bit and he chuckled sympathetically. It wasn’t fair that he was treating Isak so nicely. It made him feel worse.

“It is okay. I am glad you are okay with who you are.”

“Yeah, me too.”

Isak kept staring at his feet, but after a moment he gathered up some courage and raised his head a bit. Julian was already staring at him.

“I really didn’t mean it to end up like that, you know”, Isak said faintly, because in spite of the fact that Julian seemed to be in peace with their past, Isak felt the need to say something. “I know it might be hard to believe, but I never wanted to hurt you. It just happened.”

Isak grimaced when he got a déjà vu feeling and realised he had used those exact words with Eva. There was so much in his past he needed to apologise for. So many things he didn’t want Even to know, because he was afraid how he would react. Isak knew, or at least wanted to believe, that Even would never leave him over something like that, but he held great significance for Even’s opinion of him and he wanted to pretend to be a better person even for a while longer.

“I know”, Julian said waking Isak up from his thoughts. Julian flashed one last smile at Isak and stepped away. “And oh, happy Christmas.”

“Happy Christmas.”

 

**LØRDAG 00:44**

Even’s chest was rising and falling slowly under Isak’s head, radiating the perfect amount of heat in the cold room. Isak was getting too used to sleeping next to Even, because on the nights his boyfriend slept in his own bed, Isak needed to turn the radiator to a higher setting to not freeze to death. Isak snuggled closer to Even, how that was even possible is a mystery, sighed contently and closed his eyes. However, just when he was about to drift off, Even stirred and brought his hand to Isak’s curls.

“I was _just_ about to fall asleep, asshole”, Isak commented in an irritated voice, smile ghosting on his lips.

“Yeah, yeah”, Even laughed softly and continued to run his fingers softly through Isak’s hair. Isak squirmed to get closer to the head of the bed, and the head of Even at the same time, and planted a tiny, quick kiss on Even’s lips.

“Hi”, Isak whispered, his lips still just centimetres away from Even’s, staring at his boyfriend unapologetically under his eyelashes.

“Hi”, Even answered and Isak could swear that was love in his eyes.

“I had fun tonight.”

“So did I.”

Isak smiled that wide smile which was reserved only for Even and closed his eyes. It was late and he honestly needed some sleep to prepare for meeting his first serious boyfriend’s mum the next day, but he also wanted to stay up all night just like this. Lying next to Even, sharing little kisses from time to time, Even’s hand in his hair and his hand in Even’s other hand. Whispering softly to each other and talking about anything, everything and nothing. So when Even bursted their happy little bubble by asking _that one question_ Isak didn’t want to be asked, Isak was, is it even worth mentioning, not satisfied.

“He’s no one”, Isak said, trying to play it off as something unimportant, but obviously Even saw right through him. However, Even didn’t press the issue and Isak knew he could get away with it, because the last thing Even wanted was to make Isak feel uncomfortable and Isak knew it. On one hand, Isak just wanted to drop the subject and go back to the safety of their bubble where no one else existed, but on the other hand, he knew people in serious relationship discussed these kinds of things. He knew miscommunication was one of the worst thing you could do to your relationship and he even had experience of it with Even. He didn’t want to repeat his mistakes. Not again. Moreover, a part of Isak wanted to tell Even. Even would understand. Isak had never told anyone about Julian and maybe getting it off his chest would help.

“I… I’m not sure what to tell you about him”, Isak finally said after some serious consideration.

“You don’t have to say anything”, Even promised.

“But maybe I want to.”

“Then take all the time you need.”

“I didn’t have sex with him”, Isak blurted out suddenly. At that moment, he was glad of the darkness that concealed the deep blush that he could feel on his cheeks. Even just chuckled.

“That’s good. I mean, I would have been disappointed, had you lied to me about me being your first.”

Isak could feel his cheeks heat up again. Being with Even was like he had tattooed the blush on his face permanently. Isak was convinced, that Even would always have that effect on him. Isak might not have thought about the future often, living in the now and all, but he knew that the blush was perpetual.

“I just… It never was meant to go like it did, you know? It all just happened so fast, and everything was changing around me and I didn’t know what to do and I guess I liked the attention he gave me, and then things led to another, and before I knew it he did it, and I swear I didn’t ask him to do it, or want him to do for what it’s worth, but he did and there was nothing I could do, it had all snowballed into this giant mess, and…”

“Isak, breathe, it’s okay”, Even said steadily. Isak took a deep breath and tried to shake away the surfacing emotions he had kept bottled up for so long. A single tear rolled out of his eye before he blinked furiously and got himself somewhat together. He couldn’t fall apart before Even even had a chance to understand what this all was about.

“How about starting from the beginning?” Even asked with a reassuring smile that Isak shakily returned.

“His name is Julian.”

Even nodded, encouraging Isak to continue.

“I got to know him last autumn. He liked me. I liked boys.”

“Liked boys in past tense?” Even teased. Isak chuckled and was eternally graceful how well Even could read him and knew just how to lighten the mood and make Isak more comfortable when he needed it.

“I like boys”, Isak corrected fighting a smirk, and saw Even’s eyes glimmer in the dark.

“I didn’t like him that much, I think. I was slowly coming to terms with…” Isak hesitated on _coming to terms with being gay_. He knew he was gay and he knew it was okay, but he hadn’t said it out loud just yet and he needed a little more time to prepare. He knew he was stalling and the more time he waited the more difficult saying the words would be, but he was already outside his comfort zone and he didn’t want to fight it.

“I was slowly coming to terms with my sexuality”, he decided on and stole a quick glance at Even to see how he reacted. Even looked expressionless and Isak cursed his boyfriend’s ability to hide his feelings so well, whereas Isak showcased his feelings on his face like an open book whenever Even was around, because he couldn’t hide around his boyfriend anymore. Isak could read Even when Even wanted him to be able to do that, but sometimes Even, for some bizarre reason, though it would be easier for Isak to not know how Even was feeling, apparently it was so Isak would tell how things actually were and not change his answers depending on Even’s opinion. Isak hated Even for that.

“So yeah, he liked me and I liked the fact he was boy and gave me attention. We texted sometimes. I flirted with him sometimes, it didn’t matter, because I wasn’t interested.” Isak left out the fact that he was constantly ready to call the whole thing off as one giant joke. That every time after he had smiled at Julian a little too much, kept his hand on his shoulder a little too long or fixed his hair a little too many times than necessary in Julian’s presence, he was afraid that someone had noticed and knew his secret. Isak wondered if it was only a self-defence mechanism for him to not like Julian. Whether he might have liked him in another universe, but in this one he decided not to, to shield him from heartbreak and to prevent someone figuring out his secret. Isak shook the feeling off. He was glad he had waited for Even. Julian was nothing next to his boyfriend.

“What I didn’t know was that he had a girlfriend in Elvebakken. I think that I maybe knew subconsciously, but decided to ignore it”, Isak said and brought his eyes back to Even’s. This time he could sense Even was slightly surprised but trying to hide his reactions as best as he could. Isak hoped Even would stop doing that.

“But nothing happened between us so it didn’t really matter, right?” Isak hurried, because he didn’t want Even to consider him a homewrecker. After all, he had played a part in Eva and Jonas’ breakup on the top of Even and Sonja’s, and even when he recognised he wasn’t at fault, he couldn’t help but feel a little bit of guilty. That was three relationships after all.

“But then one day he came up to me and told me he had broken up with his girlfriend for me. I didn't answer anything. I mean, how did he think it was okay to sprung something like that on me? That was way too big a responsibility…”

Even had started to laugh loudly and Isak knitted his eyebrows together. This wasn’t funny at all. How did Even find humour in this situation? That was exactly what Isak asked Even and the question resulted in Even starting to laugh again.

“I’m sorry, baby”, Even said between breaths. “It’s just the fact that I told the same thing to you and you didn’t seem to mind.”

Isak drew his head a little further away from Even and furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. He hadn’t drawn that conclusion, but now that he thought of it, he supposed it was true. Even’s confession had made his heart skip a beat, because he couldn’t have believed Even would do that _for_ him whereas Julian’s had made his heart stuck in his throat because he couldn’t believe Julian would do that _to_ him.

“I guess that’s true”, Isak said, “but it is a completely different thing”, he continued.

“How come?”

“I wanted to be with you.  _Want_ to be with you”, Isak corrected quickly, emphasising the word want, because he had seen in Even’s eyes that his menace of a boyfriend was about to make a joke about the past tense again.

“But I never wanted to be with Julian, and I never will.”

 _And even if I had wanted, I would have been too scared to actually act on it_ , Isak added in his mind. He locked his eyes with Even and somehow he knew that Even knew what Isak had left unsaid. He smiled warily and let Even rub his back reassuringly. They lied in silence for a while, Even’s hand disappearing under the hem of Isak’s t-shirt and Isak holding onto him a little tighter than necessary. Even was yet again the one to break the silence.

“So you told him you couldn’t do it?”

Isak wished he would have.

“I never talked to him again.”

“Before tonight?”

“Before tonight”, Isak confirmed. He was starting to learn that today's Isak was good enough and deserved Even, but he still doubted his past self sometimes. What if Even would decide he couldn’t be with someone like Isak? The more time that passed, the more panicked Isak became, and the 10 seconds before Even’s next words felt like 10 years. However, the words Even whispered into Isak’s hair gave him the reassurance he needed.

“It’s okay, baby, it’s okay.”

 

**LØRDAG 09:59**

When Isak woke up, Even wasn’t lying next to him anymore. However, unlike less than a month before, he wasn’t scared Even was gone. Isak knew Even would always come back to him. Speaking of the devil, that was the moment Even reappeared. He stayed by the door though, just staring at Isak.

“Baby, come back to bed”, Isak sighed and made more room for Even.

“It’s time for breakfast”, Even said with a devilish grin. Isak cursed his boyfriend for being a morning person. However, he knew how to choose his battles, so he defeatedly rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and got out of his warm, soft, comfortable bed only a tiny bit begrudgingly. He pursed his lips to give Even a good morning kiss, but Even took a step backwards.

“No kissing before brushing your teeth first. You have the worst morning breath”, Even said teasingly, but Isak had no time for any of that.

“I got up before ten, I deserve all the kisses I want, no matter how bad my morning breath is, which, by the way, can't be anything compared to yours.”

Even gave up the fight and leaned in to give Isak a tiny peck on the lips. Isak frowned and raised his chin up, Even complying and giving him a proper kiss. Isak sighed into it and draped his arms around Even’s lower back. Just when the kiss was about to turn into a full blown make out session, Isak’s stomach grumbled and Even departed from Isak with an apologetic smile.

“Time for breakfast, it seems.”

“Cockblocked by my own stomach, unbelievable”, Isak huffed, taking his boyfriend’s hand and following Even into the kitchen nevertheless. Isak didn’t let Even’s hand go until they reached the middle of the kitchen, where Even turned to the stove and Isak hopped onto the counter.

“So, I am supposed to just feed you, or what?” Even asked with crinkles around his eyes.

“Yup.”

“Anything for my princess”, Even answered, his voice swimming in sarcasm, causing Isak’s brows to furrow.

“I hate you.”

“Oh, this is how it is, huh? I’m just your personal chef and you hate me? Would you rather be with Julian right now? Would he treat you better?” Even said, taking a step towards Isak after every sentence, until he was right between Isak’s legs that were hanging off the counter. Isak blushed, but he was determined to not be the first one to stop the joke from rolling.

“Oh yeah, he would never bully me like this. He would treat me like a royalty without demeaning me and calling me a princess. I bet he would be better in bed, too. You are rather average. I don’t understand why I waited for your dick. I bet Julian is huge.”

Isak’s luck being what Isak’s luck is, Eskild entered the kitchen at that exact moment.

“Who is Julian?” Eskild asked with no shame whatsoever. Isak groaned and dropped his head to his hands. He could hear his cruel boyfriend dying of laughter over him. Universe wasn’t being fair to him, Isak decided. Karma was bound to bump something good into his direction soon, to make up for his horrible boyfriend and just as horrible roommates. Isak was a good person, he didn’t deserve to be treated like this.

“Julian is Isak’s ex-boyfriend”, Even told Eskild and smirked down at Isak. Isak stared at him in disbelief. Even knew how Eskild was. Eskild would not let this go, no matter how many times Isak would tell him that no, Julian was not in fact his ex-boyfriend.

“I hate you”, Isak whispered to Even, glancing at his lips.

“I know. Julian would be so much better boyfriend.”

“He would.”

Even leaned in to plant a soft kiss on Isak’s lips, which turned into a lazy make out fest. He ran his fingers through Isak’s hair and left his other hand to rest on Isak’s head while he brought the other one down to his neck. Isak wrapped his legs around Even’s middle, bringing the boy closer to him and deepening the kiss a little bit more. Eskild had probably escaped at some point, feeling like he was interrupting Isak and Even’s private moment, even though they were the ones that started making out in the middle of the kitchen. Isak knew that he wouldn’t hear the end of Julian, that Eskild would never let it go, but he could take that every single day for the rest of eternity, if he just got to be with Even like this. At that moment, making out with his lovely boyfriend, on the morning after a great party with his friends, getting ready to meet his boyfriend’s mum for the first time, he didn’t care about anything else. Not a single bit.


End file.
